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Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Weight Loss Promise

Today is the last day I'm going to be unhappy in my own skin.

That sounds like a ridiculous statement coming from a young (ish) female in today's society, and one, even as I type it, that I know I won't be entirely able to live up to. But it's the tagline for my new mindset, the one that this post symbolises the start of. This is the last day of hating what I see in the mirror, of beating myself up over my size and my spots and how my clothes no longer fit me...and then devouring a share bar of chocolate to make myself feel better. It only makes me feel worse.

So as of today, I am going to use this blog DAILY (yes, self, D A I L Y) to record what I've eaten, what exercise I've done, and any other positive changes I have made/accomplished. I am tired of wallowing in this weight gain and tired of my own negativity.

I am terrified. I do not want to fail. I do not want to give up. I know already my progress will be small and that I will 'fail' often - by cheating, by eating bad food, by not exercising. But hopefully by forcing myself to record it all daily, for the eyes of the world (not that they're looking) to see, it will encourage me to get up, shake myself off, and get back on that figurative horse. I'll set up a vlog, too, although that might require wearing make up so I'm a bit so-so about that right now (I'm currently in jammies).

I have signed up for two 5k runs for charity in September, so there is no longer any excuse. I want my confidence back. I want to feel sexy again! I'm tired of wearing oversized jumpers and no make up and having unwashed hair, because it's easier to look like I just don't give a damn anymore than to recognise how much I've let myself stop being me. I'm so scared to look like I've tried and actually still look awful - to have people actually notice that I am, in my eyes at least, f a t.

This project is really not about anyone else. It's completely selfish and all about me (which feels naughty but nice to even write). It's not a comment on women's bodies or body image, but a totally personal journey for ME. Like my own, free version of what makes people who go to Weight Watchers meetings lose weight - the fear of failing in front of a room full of people, of having them all look at you and hear that you've put on a pound when they've lost three - I need that fear of being caught out to motivate me. The internet will have to do; I can't afford Weight Watchers. I'll let you know if this is more terrifying a week or two in.

If anyone has any tips, please, please get in touch. I feel like so many blogs and weight loss journeys I've followed have started from halfway through, when they've already lost the weight or made the lifestyle change. This is the very start for me. I've eaten loads of crap today in preparation and everything.

The truth is, this is the biggest I've ever been. I cannot bring myself to even type out my current weight as I'm so ashamed of it. So the time for change is now.

Wish me luck!


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